I DIDN’T KILL CECIL THE LION!

Go ahead and Google the name “Walter Palmer”, if you haven’t already, and you’ll be greeted by the smiling face of a bald North Dakota dentist. Aside from looking like a poorly cast Dr. Mengela in a 1960s Grindhouse movie, this man is also a cold-blooded killer. You see, back in the summer of 2015, Walter Palmer shot and killed the beloved Cecil the lion, and now I have to live with it. Forever. 

July 2nd, 2015 was a very strange day. It’s not often that you turn on CNN and see that you’re the most hated man in America. “WALTER PALMER MOST HATED MAN IN AMERICA” was literally a headline. At first, it was kind of funny. But then came the threats. Idiots abound on Instagram, and a number of them found my account and started messaging me hateful comments. My assurance that I was in fact NOT the same guy did little to deter them. I even got a threatening voicemail that made my Mom cry. Thanks a lot!

So just for the record, Walter Palmer the dentist that killed Cecil the lion is NOT me. He isn’t my dad. If you’re here because you’re interested in hiring me, know that I’ve never been to Zimbabwe, and the only animal deaths I’m responsible for are a few pets. Two pets really. The first was a lizard named Lloyd who ate bad crickets. I didn’t cook the crickets, so I don’t take responsibility. The second was a frog named Max who jumped from his tank to his death. Did I drive him to suicide? Maybe. I was a thirteen-year-old boy. He was a frog forced to watch me from his tank. At night. Alone. Who knows what he saw!? But there’s a difference between subjecting a frog to the nocturnal happenings of a pre-pubescent boy, and dropping a mortgage-sized payment to kill a man-sized cat. 

Despite my best efforts, the specter of this man’s poor life decisions follow me to this day. Every time I don’t get an interview for a job, or I’m suddenly ghosted on a date, I’m forced to wonder if the person on the other end of the internet Googled me, and now thinks they are in correspondence with a poor man’s Mr. Clean who snacks on endangered animals. All I can do is write my own story, pray you’ll listen, and hopefully one day clear my good name.